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  • Bill

How to buy a car ...

In November 2021, I placed an order for a new car. This was very exciting for me because, although I’ve owned lots of cars before, I’ve never actually bought a new one. With this in mind, and based on my experience, here is my ‘How To Buy A New Car’ guide:

1. Firstly, set yourself a budget,

2. Then do lots of internet research,

3. Draw up a shortlist,

4. Arrange a test-drive of the car at the top of your shortlist,

5. Drive it. Be impressed. Be convinced that this is the car for you,

6. Test drive the second car on your shortlist (it’s important to check-out the other cars on the shortlist to validate your decision to buy car #1),

7. Be very unimpressed with car #2. It’s plasticy, and the interior isn’t great. Be convinced that car #1 is the car for you!

8. Test drive car #3. Car #3 is great. Better than car #1. Re-evaluate why you want to buy car #1.

9. Start ghosting car #1’s salesperson as you no longer want to buy his car,

10. Test drive car #4 (the last car on your shortlist),

11. Be very unimpressed with car #4. It’s plasticy, and the interior isn’t great. Be convinced that car #3 is the car for you!

12. Start having doubts about car #3. It felt a bit too small, and you want something a little bit bigger. No problem – test drive car #3’s bigger brother (we’ll call this car #5),

13. Love car #5. It’s a dream. It’s a bit more than you want to spend, but it’s a dream,

14. Increase your budget,

15. Do some internet research and realise that car #5 has a bigger brother, which might be affordable if you can increase your budget just a little bit more,

16. Increase your budget,

17. Test drive car #6. It’s lovely. But a bit too big. So maybe not,

18. But hang on a minute. Cars #3, #5 and #6 have a brother. Maybe you should test drive that as well?

19. Test drive car #7. It’s not that great. Discount it,

20. Have a sensible conversation with the salesperson about car #5.

21. The salesperson says he can get you car #5 in a nice spec, but if you are willing to wait a few months, the new version of car #5 is coming out, and if you can just stretch your budget a little bit more, then maybe you should consider that,

22. Increase your budget,

23. Get yourself invited to the glitzy, glamorous ‘launch day’ of car #8 (this is the new version of car #5). It’s a dream, and definitely the car for you!

24. Talk to the salesperson about car #8. Discuss prices, specs and colours. Feel very important,

25. Rush home and do as much internet research as possible.

26. Open up the car #8 online configurator. Become totally lost and confused by the dazzling array of options and choices,

27. Realise that to get the exact model you want, you need to increase your budget,

28. Increase your budget,

29. Arrange a meeting with the salesperson to place an order,

30. Place the order for car #8, but at the same time blag a test drive of car #8’s super-expensive bigger brother. You can’t afford it, and Monica has said you aren’t allowed to buy it, but what harm can it do, right?

31. Test drive car #9. Feel like a super-star. Be very disappointed when you have to give the keys back,

32. Sit back. Relax. And wait for your brand-new car (being car #8) to be delivered,

33. Spend endless hours reading reviews about your ‘new’ car, and reviews about competitor cars from other manufacturers in an attempt to confirm that car #8 was the ‘right choice’. Descend into an endless pit of doubt, worry and uncertainty.

34. Go into complete denial. You increased your budget on four occasions, and you’re going to spend way too much on a car,

35. Stop reading car reviews,

36. Give serious consideration to cancelling the order for car #8 and consider keeping your old car after all.

To be continued …

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